I’m Finally Okay With Being Single
I’m finally okay with being single (for now).
It happened while I was in the cab on the way to work on a gloomy afternoon. The cab’s stereo was busted and I was left with no choice but to overthink (which is my favorite hobby, by the way). I started thinking about the various guys that I have been setting my eyes on as potential future partners in life–is it possible that any of them could like me back? I recalled my interactions with them and did some quantitative and qualitative analysis in my head on the chance of a reciprocal crush. He didn’t tweet me back — minus 10 points. I was “seen-zoned” — minus 10 points. He laughed at my corny joke — plus 5 points.
The whole process left me cringing in the end as I realized that there is a very high possibility that all of my crushes (I have quite a lot, but that’s a discussion topic for another article…) did not like me back. The next feeling that kicked in was self-pity. And then I found myself trying to understand what it was about me that they did not like. Am I too available? Am I too clingy? Do I not dress up or fix myself enough? The questions came pouring in, but the bottom line was that I had to do something about it. I needed to exert my best effort to make my crushes like me back and it meant having to go to the gym, having to buy new clothes, having to grow my hair longer, having to attend more events where I can bump into them or having to keep calm whenever we talk even though I’m bursting with excitement. It was a long mental checklist for a “surefire” way to get liked back.
It was right smack in the middle of my planning (in case you’re wondering how I can do all these thinking, I have a 1-hour cab ride to work) that the thought that would change my life hit me. Upon coming to terms with the thought, it wondered why I never put it to heart in the past. It was such a simple idea.
My realization: If God intends for a guy to like me back, he will. If God doesn’t, he won’t.
My mind was blown. The big revelation during that God-moment helped me realize that it was NOT up to me. While I do not agree with some who think that all women should do is to sit and wait, I also need not chase. I could put myself out there and meet new people, but I do not have to rig “destiny” and “coincidence” just to get the attention of somebody I like. God will orchestrate His master plan for us at the right time and with the right person. I can’t tell you how relieving it was to finally understand this. Striving to get someone’s attention costs a lot of time, effort and even money. Oh, how many times have I made an unnecessary purchase just so I can look cool in the eyes of a crush! And oh, how many times have I stayed up late just to wait for someone to maybe notice that I’m online and talk to me! Ah, the things we do for “love”.
To add to that, there’s also no need to take unrequited feelings too personally — as if it is an attack on my entire being. I have a confession: I am an expert online “researcher”. And when I lay my eyes on someone, I’m quick to go on social networking sites to find out what types of girls my crush is into. It makes me ultimately mean when I see that the guy’s taste does not meet my expectations. You mean he likes THAT GIRL over me? But, she has bad grammar! I judge all these girls in my mind (or via tweets) to the point of forgetting about their being as human as me. On the other hand, it makes me ultimately insecure when I see that the guys taste is way out of my league. No one will like me because I have blackheads and disheveled hair. They want these perfect girls. I judge myself to the point of forgetting about how God made me fearfully and wonderfully. With my epiphany moment though, I realized that I don’t need to think of all these things. Sure, there might be things that I need to improve about myself but I’d like to believe that guy who’s right for me will love me despite and because of my imperfections and quirks.
I used to be ashamed whenever I get asked why I am still single. I’ve never accepted it in the past, but I guess the real reason is that the people I like don’t like me back the same way. And there is nothing wrong with that. If I’ll remain single for a few more years with people I like not liking me back, I’d gladly accept. I (FINALLY) understand now what it means to give God the pen of my love story–that is to trust that He knows best and that He’ll send the guy I’ll like who’ll like me back in HIS perfect time. Or maybe, He’ll craft and change my heart’s desires to like someone whom He intends for me to like.
Now, I can finally get some sleep.